the smell of the ocean
by kathleenfergie
Summary: Her mother hands her the baby and oh god she is not ready for any of this at all. 4x10 AU. Oneshot.


hey look another ouat oneshot, that's a surprise. i'm apparently really into writing these. this is basically emma in shattered sight(?) having a lot of feelings about neal and henry and her life etc. jumps around a lot. kind of ranty. really emotional (i think?). i like it, alright.

i don't own shit, my friends.

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><p>Her mother hands her the baby and oh god she is not ready for any of this at all. She feels the infant in her arms and her inner panic attack feels like it's coming to the surface. Neal feels hot through her clothes, a fragile sleeping bundle and she's having what can only be described as war flashbacks to the smiling doctor with Henry in his arms, and the only thought that blankets that is <em>god bless Killian and his timing. <em>

Emma wants Neal away from her, Elsa coming to the rescue (she loves that woman, she's decided) as she's crying and hugging Killian, crying and wondering how the hell she became this person. How did she get so emotionally ready and open, when four years ago she was so angry and lonely and closed off from every person in her life? Emma doesn't understand it, she doesn't quite like it, but her pirate is walking away and all she wants to do his hold him.

Hold him to her, with his scruff against her neck, his hot breath in her ear; Emma wants to know why he doesn't kiss her like he used to and why he looks at her like the Hook she first met did. Empty. He was so empty two years ago and she's so goddamn confused as to why that look is back in his eyes.

Soon enough the beginning of the end is coming and Neal is back, cradled against her chest, Emma's arms shielding him from the curse. He'll learn soon enough that curses kind of plague their family and royally fuck up their lives continuously. It's a bitter thought but Emma can't honestly believe that Storybrooke will ever be close to normal again (the fucking Mother Abbess is a wand waving fairy for God's sake).

Emma wants to burn Henry's book, even if she is in it now, she wants all of this fairytale bullshit out of her life, she wants this terrifying kid in her arms to grow up normal, doesn't want him to question his once-evil step-grandmother/great aunt and decades older sister (so weird; so, so weird). She doesn't want this kid to know how wrecked she is, how much she still resents their parents for what they did to her. Doesn't want him to know that she'll always be the one with everyone's lives held over her head.

Emma hates this kid with every fibre of her being and at the same time wants to run away with him, tucked into a carseat in the backseat of her bug, Storybrooke, Maine, and the smell of the ocean behind them for good. There's a part of her that would willingly leave Henry with Regina because she's the better mother now, Regina knows how to control herself and take care of Henry. No amount of New York memories could make Emma better for him.

Regina's never made their kid bleed, never lashed out of him (she's so out of control, she's so fucking weak). Emma never wants to touch him again, wants to cradle her arms against herself for the rest of her lift, cut them off if it means her magic will be gone.

Emma doesn't realize how tightly she's holding Neal against her until he's crying and squirming and her parents are too busy screaming obscenities at each other for them to notice their kids are both freaking out. Elsa comes over and touches her shoulder, helping Emma from her paralyzed position on the floor, soothing a hand down Emma's back, the other hushing Neal.

Elsa's so afraid to touch people, so afraid that she'll kill them, freeze them to death, and yet Emma has never felt warmer in her presence, and the baby has stopped crying (gone back to sleep, his usual state). Although there is still so much commotion between her parents and the young Arendelle couple, and Elsa has to brush glass from the two of them, Emma feels a little better.

She's still terrified, still so afraid of what's going to happen to all the people she loves, but she's looking at Elsa's kind and strong eyes and she knows that there will be an end to it all, that the Snow Queen won't do anything more to scare her (teenage Emma had loved her so, so much, and she ruined it all, ruined the girl's hope for a normal family).

Hours go by and there's magic crackling in her palms, and she's terrified for the infant that is still cradled against her, but Emma can't let him go. She's bouncing him softly and staring at her parents in their cells, tears pooling in her eyes, placing kisses along Neal's head. It feels all too real and emotional but Emma's dealing with it by shutting it all down, only giving Elsa a glance every once and a while to let the queen know she's still present.

Finally, after an evening of thoughts have stewed in her brain, she's handing her brother off to Anna, who doesn't really trust Emma all that much, but trusts Elsa completely. Elsa's sister is sweet and energetic, a perfect match for Elsa's calm, quiet nature, and Emma is glad they found each other (her parent's mantra reverberates in her skull).

Neal is in Anna's arms, and Emma's getting her game face on (as in, she's blinking away the tears and shoving out orders, all in all putting on her Saviour shroud), the sound of the girl's fiance and David murmuring about their respective realms. Emma is very tired, stressed, and far too emotional to function, but her she is, functioning. Doing everything everyone expects.

When this is all over, she's going to rent a room at Granny's, have the hottest bath on the planet, down a bottle of wine, walk around the suite naked, all the while listening to music. She's going to do normal thirty year old female stuff.

As her and Elsa make their way to the battlefield, she makes a playlist in her head.


End file.
